Transformers II – Revenge of Michael Bay

There are many maxims in life.  Small contextual truths that hold true within certain confines.

One such maxim is as follows: If it a movie makes a lot of money, then it should have a sequel.

Michael Bay directed Transformers in 2007 and it made a lot of money.
THUS – Michael bay was asked to direct Transformers II in 2009 to make a lot more money. 

And he did.

But Transformers II isn’t really about gigantic sentient robots who mire earth in a dire struggle for survival as they seek to find the resources necessary to power their precious energon cubes.  Transformers II isn’t about Optimus vs. Megatron, good vs evil, the introduction of new characters, confusingly loud and yet still interesting CGI, or some half-baked plot about a robot called the Fallen that no one’s ever even heard of.

Transformers II is about Michael Bay, the Revenge of Michael Bay.

You see Michael Bay is a man, and like all men he could be considered both good and evil.  Having made past “End of the World” movies like Independence Day and Armageddon, he understands that when big things come from the sky, humans get scared.  He also understands that scared humans are especially patriotic around July 4th, particularly scared American humans, because they have some collective memory of an independence gained through combat that was well worth fighting for.  In this way, simply by understanding our history, Michael Bay is smart.

So Michael Bay decided that the best way to live a good life and have stuff was to make movies about big, ominous, robo-alien things that may or may not cause mankind to cease to exist.  Every movie he makes is the same movie, he just changes the actors and the title a wee bit so that he can make it again, and make more money.  In this way also, Michael Bay is smart.

Hence my statement that Transformers II is not really about any of the things we as a viewing audience may think it is about, but rather it is a movie that portrays the real life saga of Michael Bay in terms of his revenge against all other movies that ever existed and took money out of his pocket.  As stated before, Michael Bay can be considered both good and evil.  He wants to be productive and creative and someone who makes things.  This is good.  He also wants to make the same thing, again and again and again, and expects his customers to pay for the old like it is new.  This is bad.

If Michael Bay were a car manufacturer, let’s say he made Jeep Grand Cherokee’s, and he took one old Jeep Grand Cherokee from 1994 and every few years just painted it a different color, and then tried to sell it as a 1994, 1998, 2007, and 2009 vehicle.  Each time claiming it was new and needed to be paid for. We would call him a crook and cheat, and we would no longer be interested in his product.

But Michael Bay does not make cars.  He makes movies.  Big, loud, scary, hopeful, July 4th type movies, that sucker in American audiences every time.

Transformers II is a movie that Michael Bay made.  It  made a lot of money.  Michael Bay got his revenge.

In a few years Michael Bay will make another Tranformers movie.  It will be the same movie he has always made, but he may call it a different name  just to be sneaky.  Many people will see this movie, and Michael Bay will make lots of money. 

Michael Bay is smart.  He knows that there are many maxims in life, and some maxims hold true.

G. I. Juh?

Someone has stolen my childhood. That someone is Stephen Sommers.  For such a crime, I ask only this…

What have you done, Stephen Sommers?  What have you done?

For you see I believed in evil once, evil personified by the rasping, cartoonish voice of Cobra Commander, belting out untimely and ill-devised schemes to his hordes of soulless troops.  Of fiendish metal faced morons, galavanting across the terra firma to battle heroic Joes in what could only be described as perhaps the greatest marketing ploy to sell 6″ posable figurines since George Lucas put a retractable laser in a star pilot’s hands and crowned himself god.

I read the Joe comics, watched the cartoon, almost gave up after the cartoon movie but stiff upper-lipped my way through, wasted my college savings on the toys and vehicles, burnt Joes with lighters, allowed them to fight over Cheese-Its amidst the crumpled pillows of my bed in the waning hours of the night, lost them on rainy days in mud puddles the size of lakes, then fished out their waterlogged corpses later and resuscitated them back to life. 

I was in.  I was dedicated.  I was a fan.  My Joes bonded with one another, formed alliances, represented truth and justice, carried the most amazing miniature, plasticized weapons that any boy could ever dream of.  They fought and killed on an unimaginable scale, and I believed that the scathing evil they held at bay represented the greatest fear the American public could ever possibly have forced upon it.

But I was wrong, Stephen Sommers.  I was wrong because my Joes had never faced you.

Stephen Sommers is older than me.  Maybe he never played with a Joe.  Maybe he missed the cartoons.  Maybe he thinks Nemesis Enforcer is a term coined by George Bush to demonize some middle eastern nation, instead of the single most a$$beating humanoid to ever be scribbled into existence.

I don’t know what he thinks.  But I know by some monumentous error, Stephen Sommers got paid by some money grubbing movie tycoon to put his thoughts on screen, and in turn took the revered mythology of GI Joe and backhanded it into submission in order to create a docile, mindless sprawl of a movie that bears more resemblence to a blender with crayons in it than an epic tale of good vs evil.

Obviously, there will be a sequel to this melange of garbage.  The good Lord help us if Stephen Sommers directs it.

Jesse Jackson = Moron

Hasn’t Jesse Jackson lectured countless people on their lack of morals?
Hasn’t Jesse Jackson been an outspoken voice in the media for about 200 years now?
Hasn’t Jesse Jackson had an opinion on every topic from landing on the Moon to sequels of The Land Before Time?
Didn’t Jesse Jackson die a few years ago?
Did they somehow bring him back without telling me?
Don’t they eventually put old animals out to pasture, or if they’re crazy or lame, to sleep?
Hasn’t Jesse Jackson done enough?

The Reverend (of what church?) was caught on FOX news last night, saying that he wanted to “Cut his nuts off” in reference to democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.  He said this about Obama.  Not about some outspoken white guy, not about a redneck, or a bigot, or a fascist, or a muslim.  Obama!  A guy he at least gave lip service support to until this incident.  And apparantly he was so upset because Obama was giving moral advice to African Americans!  Do you think you don’t need any advice, Jesse????????  Come on, wake up and smell your upper lip!  Loud mouthed blowhards, aka Don Imus, Rush Limbaugh, Lewis Farrakan, will always exist in our world, whether we like it or not, and you are right up there with them!

For a full report check the following link: http://www.nypost.com/seven/07102008/news/nationalnews/jesses_a_nut_job_119244.htm

Iran Launches Missiles to Scare Free World

In a blatant show of disrespect for every nation out there that could completely annihilate them, Iran launch 9 tactical warheads today.  No matter that each warhead could barely cover the 753 yards needed to cross the Israeli border, or the fact that 3 of the warheads actually “looked scared” upon soaring higher than 1,000 feet, and one actually turned around, flew back into Iran, wedged itself between a rocky outcropping and sobbed openly for its mother.  The threat to Israel is all too real, and the time for international diplomacy has been kicked over and had a car bomb shoved up its arse.

US military officials commented on the show of force by stating that if Iran didn’t “settle down” they would be left with no other choice but to send five or six disinterested marines over there and manhandle that pigheaded sand dune of a nation. 

“If they want to pseudo-jihad us into  a state of pandemonia, then we will pre-emptively jihad their persons using calculated caucasoid tactics,” stated a bewildered and disheveled George W. Bush, momentarily taking time out from a gopher hunt on his massive Texas estate. “The world will not be dominated by one country with an arsenal of weapons and a desire to use them against others in order to get their way!”

When pointed out by a member of the press that this was exactly what America has done for over 50 years, president Bush appeared stricken by severe abdominal pains and proceeded to dance his way to a nearby Port-a-Potty.  After hours of making farting noises, and rocking the plastic poo heap back and forth, the press finally left him to his task.

Whether or not Iran intends to actually use the missiles against Israel remains to be determined.  Some experts say these were the “retarded cousins” of another type of highly effective missile the Iranian military is in possession of, and that today’s demonstration was merely a ploy to lure rival nations into underestimating Iran’s military might.

Needless to say, the world now waits in trepidation as another unstable, irascible, Middle Eastern nation flaunts its mediocre technological ability to wage war in front of the international media.  This reporter feels safe that imminent doom is not at hand, but should a strange looking camel, complete with a gun toting maniacal meerkat, foaming at the mouth from his sheer hatred of your perfectly manicured azalea bushes, suddenly show up in your yard, the Iranian invasion may not be far behind!

Beautiful Babies…Yeah…Right…

Below are some of the most beautiful human infants ever.  You may be jealous.  You may weep like a child.  You may pray that your eyes are gouged out by vicious street bandits and that for the remainder of your feculent life you are never forced to gaze upon creation again.  Or you may simply chuckle and look away.  The choice is yours…

Now if we could make a tv show featuring sumo, the marine, and the grinch, pitting them against each other in a no holds barred survival of the fittest reality show, then, then my friends, truly the spectacle could begin.

Until then, anyone want to change the marine’s diaper?  Now that has to be a chore!

Skunk Ape signs Record NBA Contract

In breaking news today, a skunk ape, an elusive marsh yeti living in the southeastern wetlands along the Louisiana coast, signed a record NBA contract with the New Orleans Hornets.

Nature creates many beasts.  Some are clearly purposeful, like the bullet hen, the coal monkey, and the cash cow, but others prove far more fruitless for the minds of men.  The Skunk Ape fell into the latter category for hundreds of years.  Living in the remote wetlands of the state of Louisiana, the Skunk Ape has never actually been captured, tracked, or killed successfully, but numerous photos of the beast have surfaced on the internet and the SciFi channel actually did a show on the creature in the past year.  A secretive creature, with the ass of a racoon, the ferocity of jersey pit bear, and the appearance of a slightly hunchbacked sasquatch, little is known of the ape.  That is until now.

The beast was first spotted by an underpaid, slow-witted night watchman in downtown New Orleans who had the following to say, “Well, he just showed up outside the dumpsters behind the Superdome a few weeks ago.  First thought I had was it must be one of them vagrants, uprooted by Katrina, that couldn’t find a home and just really let himself go downhill.  I mean even from two, three hundred yards if you got down wind of the thing it smelled like you’d cut open a gigantic Alaskan Farting Whale after it’d eaten about twenty or so Jamaican septic tanks and let em fester in its belly for a while.  I didn’t say nothing to the owners until it showed up inside the arena one night.  Just started dunking basketballs from about midcourt.  One other janitor, Ole Clyde Wardricks, tried to reason with it, but the thing just went nuts and ripped his limbs off and beat him with his own leg until he looked more like a big pile of ketchup and wheat bread than a man.  After that, I let the authorities deal with him…:

And deal with him they did.  The ape entered a brief rehab program where it learned to reason and convince others to do its bidding by staring at them with its beady yet oddly translucent eyes.  After gaining an early release, it once again began sneaking into the Superdome to play basketball.  Spotted by trainers, a few of which it attempted to decapitate then mate with, it was convinced to play in an organized match vs. some of the Hornets actual team members.  Its play was spotty at first, it was easily fooled by pick and rolls and had troubled adjusting to zone coverage, but the ape’s learning curve and the advantage of its otherworldly stench allowed it to quickly dominate the entire team, sometimes beating them singlehandly by over 300 points.

The rest as they say, is history.  With the 2008 Finals recently finished and the Boston Celtics being crowned champions once again, the ape, or Larry as he is referred to by his teammates, has resorted to spending the offseason flinging handfuls of sh$t at any television covering other NBA franchises, and maiming any individual he encounters that even closely resembles Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, or Ray Allen.

As the rest of the NBA cowers in jealous fear over his $398 Million Dollar contract and his rage induced fits of complete feral insanity, the the promise of the 2009 season looms large over the heaving shoulders of the once docile beast.  Dunk well, mighty marsh monkey, and may you reign over the street thugs that now inhabit the NBA with a terror and panache all your own!

Until then….

BBC News will post updates of the Skunk Ape’s progress during the NBA’s summer league, to update inquisitive readers about apelike man demons and their quest for equality in the world today.

Brett Favre Returns to NFL!!!

Brett Favre is back! Or is he? Or isn’t he?

Only a few short months after claiming that he would never come back, ever, Brett himself, footballs Ironman, alluded a few days ago that he would like to return to the NFL.  During his time away from the game, albeit short, he apparantly went completely apesh#t, driving around in tractors with a hockey mask on, killing cows, goats, chickens, she-bears, and other innocent yet feral animals with his bare hands to prove that he still “had what it took”.

But the mindless slaugher of warm-blooded beasts wasn’t enough.  Alone with his trophies and aging man-like body, the legend of the gridiron began to wonder if a return to the pigskin playing field wasn’t the right medicine.

“I saw things, I did things, I became someone I wasn’t proud of! I ate rodents out of KFC dumpsters, chased children from their parents, and threw hand grenades at crippled puppies.”

Yet apart from this dark and brief chapter for Brett, another brief chapter apparantly looms, his return to the NFL.  The Packers have made it known that they’re ready to move on, and should Favre return it would likely have to be to another team.  Cheeseheads everywhere may lament such a move by the organization, especially since Favre had a surprising return to form last season in leading the Pack to the NFC title game, but that’s the past. 

The future is this: Brett is back.  He wants back in.  Like Bush running for a second term, or seeing another Clinton on the ballot in ‘08, it seems most Americans are a little wary this time.  It seems the excitement has died down.  Kids no longer roam the backyards of America, tossing foam footballs and dreaming of being a young Brett, tossing a bazillion interceptions and a rare TD here and there, and then thinking they’re god just because they won one lousy Super Bowl.  No the general public has indeed tired of Brett Favre, and I think rightfully so.  When he was caught on film last Wednesday, lighting beaver’s farts off of HWY 143 in rural Mississippi, all he could say was, “Ain’t this cool!” Yeah, Brett, yeah it is, and so is the idea of you retiring on top.  So do fans everywhere a favor, keep on playing pranks out there in the cornfields, and leave the real game to the younguns!

Tiger Woods Retires

Tiger woods has been surrounded by hype his entire life, but somewhere deep down I never bought it.  Call me crazy, but something about Nike’s face man staring down overmatched opponents on long stretches of rye grass never seemed to paint that imposing of a picture.

So it came as no surprise when I happened upon the following breaking news, citing the inevitable boredom that results from comprehensively beating the living h#ll out of all who oppose him, Tiger Woods has announced his retirement from professional golf today.

Apparantly beating obese, non-athletic and only mildly competitive white guys for over a decade became too boring for even Tiger to endure.  Millions and millions of dollars, countless endorsements, fans out the wazoo, foundations in his name.  Put all of this together, and sadly it just wasn’t enough.

“I like golf, really I do,” Tiger began in his interview on Sunday, “but these guys I was playing against, I mean, it was just sad.  I tried everything to make it competitive: throwing rounds, playing with uncooked eggs, purposefully blinding myself, even taping infant alligators to my nuts during seven consecutive final rounds in major tournaments.  But I have to tell you, Bob, nothing worked.  It didn’t matter how hard I tried, the guys I was playing against just couldn’t get it done.”

Maybe it was the Gatorade, the inspiration from his supermodel wife, the fact that Tiger actually has more than a shred of athletic ability, but whatever the case, the playing field hasn’t been level for some time, and some fans felt it was time for Tiger to step away.

Larry Hendricks, from Dothan, Alabama, stated, “shoot, golf was gettin too excitin with that Tiger fellow whoopin the besmejus outta every white boy’s anus from Tucson to Boston.  I mean, when a slightly inbred high school state champ ain’t good enough to win the US Open, then who you gonna cheer for?  Golf ain’t no dang sport, it’s just a bunch of fatties poking around on a well mowed field tryin to put their bird egg in the nearest mole hole quicker’n the next fella?  You throw some Herculean, energy drink slurpin’ bio-freak like Tiger out there and course can’t no other fella win!”

Sadly, Larry’s words spark a prophetic chord with sports’ enthusiasts everywhere, yearning for a return to normalcy among the walking egg whack that is the PGA.  Many tune in merely to watch men they could beat in almost any other athletic endeavor, compete in a contest of sad sacks and couch potatoes.

So where does Tiger go from here?  Still in the prime of his Superhuman career, dare we dream to see Woods donning an NBA jersey, or putting on the pads for a stint in the NFL, or what about a stab at soccer, or baseball, or hockey for that matter.  Anything that requires him to compete against men of his own stature, men who would rather run a mile than squat in the grass and analyze how a ball rolls when you tap it.

I for one hope Tiger does come back to sports.  I hope he surprises us all and puts his skills to the test in a ring of competition far superior than the sad sack of golf.  Because sure, Tiger was great at beating fat guys, lardos, and slugabeds day in day out, but when he breaks away from Brian Urlacher for a 48 yard sprint down the sidelines to propel the Falcons to the NFC championship, then, and only then will I start believing the hype!

California Fires earn state “Hell on Earth” Title

Ravaged by blazes that have consumed nearly half of the state’s entire land area, the prince of darkness himseld, Satan, was happy to announce that California will henceforth be renamed as “Hell on Earth”.

With a trademark rasp in his voice and an unmistakle aura that seemed to scream “don’t trust me”, the man in red had the following to say, “It’s not just the scorching environment that lead us here in Old Hell to finally deem California the recipient of this coveted secular award, but also the hedonistic, self-absorbed, ridiculously amoral and materialistic lifestyle that made the state a virtual shoo-in for 2008 Hot Spot of the Year.  Earth is such a tempestuous place, half in love with idolatry, half in love with God or other gods, and half in love with nothing.  But for years we feel like we’ve been able to count on California as an ally, and now with the fires and everything else, well, the demons and I just felt like it was time to go ahead with the name change.”

The rest of the United States was in shock when learning of the announcement.  In an all too predictable move, the Bible Belt was the first to attempt to hold talks with the devil and convince him to renig on this potentially hellacious decision.  Citing the fall of man, numerous tries at tempting God himself in the desert, and his bottomless apathy for humanity’s attempts to better itself, the spokesman for the Belt pleaded for the Devil to take heed of what happens at the end of the good book itself, warning that such a move could prompt an accelerated slide into the end times.

Visibly choked up over the reference to his eventual 1,000 year imprisonment followed by a total collapse of power, old Scratch cackled and disappeared in a ball of sulphurous smoke.  He did leave a card, however, in case of future attempts at parlay.

Meanwhile, in California, an aging Governator was asked how this new status would affect tourism from otherwordly spirits, denizens of soulless fiends, and other non-corporeal beings, Swarzenegger responded,”It really depends on whether or not they attempt to gain citizenship to the state, what type of voters they become, and if they can manage the transfer from fossil fuels to clean burning natural gas or other alternatives.  If they get out of hand, I will crush them!”

And there you have it.  Californians across the state wait in trepidation as an evil place, fraught with flames, flamers, and fiends all its own, looks to become way, way hotter.

Faceless Alien Couples – Who Dat Be?

WOW!  At first this freaked me out, then I thought about it, got more freaked out and stopped looking at the pictures.

Recently, at a number of high profile events, photographers have captured what appear to be people WITHOUT FACES.  I kid you not.  Go to the Drudge Report and check the article about “Faceless Couples” at Wimbledon.  Are we witnessing the grassroots promotion of a new product, movie, facial obstructing disguiso apparatus, or simply vain celebrities tired of being hounded by the paparazzi?  No one knows…

I have a hunch, though, but it’s pretty weak.  Remember Cloverfield, how odd the marketing campaign was, you never really knew what was going on, right?  Now remember those adds about the hazards of smoking, www.truth.com, I think, where people fell down dead or they rolled out body bags? Yeah?  Well, those have nothing to do with this. 

All I know is that if I had a faceless “alien” mask to wear whenever I felt like not being noticed, the possibilities would be limitless, limitless I tell you!!!!!!

 

 

That’s all I’ve got.  Seriously though,

Tom Cruise is behind it all.