As if being attacked by a bear, nature’s overweight, sharp-clawed death beast of the forest, wasn’t bad enough. Imagine being attacked by one with no fur.
That’s right! Bears, long thought to follow a strict moral code that consisted of eating lean meats, resting for months at a time, never traveling to Vegas without loved ones in tow, and actually having fur on their bodies at all times, seem to have stooped to a new low.
“I mean what’s next?” Boonesboro, Wisconsin native Alan Hermunk was quoted as saying. “Them bears do enough what with them roaring and stealing picnic baskets and just plain trying to take a swipe at everything that even smells like honey. I don’t know what to expect no more. If you’d a told me ten years ago we’d be seeing bears with no fur, I woulda said, no sirree, ain’t a cat with no mittens chance that’ll happen. But after today, looks like nature just kinda gave up on them big, fat, man eatin’ creatures, and said to h#ll with it, let’s see what they kin do without no hair on ‘em!”
To make matters worse, it appears the bears have now begun to partake in secular, humanized activities like getting tattoos, wigs, and piercings. One male, usually noted for his calm demeanor and affection for trout, was spotted with a “Feed bears, not humans” tattoo inked across his back, another, more volatile male, had the words “National Parks Suck” emblazoned across his buttocks, and was wearing what appeared to be a million dollar diamond grill and a green mohawk.
For years many top zoologists have noted an alarming shift in the North American bear populace away from their general conservative views, but nudity, inflammatory political messages, and crazy hairdos have gotten many top level experts worried about what may be just around the corner.
“At this point, I think we still have things relatively in control,” Dr. Russ Coghan, San Diego Zoo, said, “but the day some one ton grizzly shows up at a 7-11 all coked up and wielding a fully loaded Ak-47, well, then we’ll be looking at a serious, serious problem.”
I don’t know about you, but bears, in and of themselves, already scare the living Cheez-its out of me. Combine that fear with automatic weapons, drug overdoses and a rise in violent gang-bear related crimes, and you just may see this citizen fleeing South to the cozy confines of Mexico quicker than you think. At least all they have is the Chupacabra.
