In breaking news today, a skunk ape, an elusive marsh yeti living in the southeastern wetlands along the Louisiana coast, signed a record NBA contract with the New Orleans Hornets.
Nature creates many beasts. Some are clearly purposeful, like the bullet hen, the coal monkey, and the cash cow, but others prove far more fruitless for the minds of men. The Skunk Ape fell into the latter category for hundreds of years. Living in the remote wetlands of the state of Louisiana, the Skunk Ape has never actually been captured, tracked, or killed successfully, but numerous photos of the beast have surfaced on the internet and the SciFi channel actually did a show on the creature in the past year. A secretive creature, with the ass of a racoon, the ferocity of jersey pit bear, and the appearance of a slightly hunchbacked sasquatch, little is known of the ape. That is until now.
The beast was first spotted by an underpaid, slow-witted night watchman in downtown New Orleans who had the following to say, “Well, he just showed up outside the dumpsters behind the Superdome a few weeks ago. First thought I had was it must be one of them vagrants, uprooted by Katrina, that couldn’t find a home and just really let himself go downhill. I mean even from two, three hundred yards if you got down wind of the thing it smelled like you’d cut open a gigantic Alaskan Farting Whale after it’d eaten about twenty or so Jamaican septic tanks and let em fester in its belly for a while. I didn’t say nothing to the owners until it showed up inside the arena one night. Just started dunking basketballs from about midcourt. One other janitor, Ole Clyde Wardricks, tried to reason with it, but the thing just went nuts and ripped his limbs off and beat him with his own leg until he looked more like a big pile of ketchup and wheat bread than a man. After that, I let the authorities deal with him…:
And deal with him they did. The ape entered a brief rehab program where it learned to reason and convince others to do its bidding by staring at them with its beady yet oddly translucent eyes. After gaining an early release, it once again began sneaking into the Superdome to play basketball. Spotted by trainers, a few of which it attempted to decapitate then mate with, it was convinced to play in an organized match vs. some of the Hornets actual team members. Its play was spotty at first, it was easily fooled by pick and rolls and had troubled adjusting to zone coverage, but the ape’s learning curve and the advantage of its otherworldly stench allowed it to quickly dominate the entire team, sometimes beating them singlehandly by over 300 points.
The rest as they say, is history. With the 2008 Finals recently finished and the Boston Celtics being crowned champions once again, the ape, or Larry as he is referred to by his teammates, has resorted to spending the offseason flinging handfuls of sh$t at any television covering other NBA franchises, and maiming any individual he encounters that even closely resembles Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, Rajon Rondo, or Ray Allen.
As the rest of the NBA cowers in jealous fear over his $398 Million Dollar contract and his rage induced fits of complete feral insanity, the the promise of the 2009 season looms large over the heaving shoulders of the once docile beast. Dunk well, mighty marsh monkey, and may you reign over the street thugs that now inhabit the NBA with a terror and panache all your own!
Until then….
BBC News will post updates of the Skunk Ape’s progress during the NBA’s summer league, to update inquisitive readers about apelike man demons and their quest for equality in the world today.
1 Comment
December 10, 2008 at 1:42 am
hahaa funny shit whoever wrote that is a funny genious hahhahaa