Tiger woods has been surrounded by hype his entire life, but somewhere deep down I never bought it. Call me crazy, but something about Nike’s face man staring down overmatched opponents on long stretches of rye grass never seemed to paint that imposing of a picture.
So it came as no surprise when I happened upon the following breaking news, citing the inevitable boredom that results from comprehensively beating the living h#ll out of all who oppose him, Tiger Woods has announced his retirement from professional golf today.
Apparantly beating obese, non-athletic and only mildly competitive white guys for over a decade became too boring for even Tiger to endure. Millions and millions of dollars, countless endorsements, fans out the wazoo, foundations in his name. Put all of this together, and sadly it just wasn’t enough.
“I like golf, really I do,” Tiger began in his interview on Sunday, “but these guys I was playing against, I mean, it was just sad. I tried everything to make it competitive: throwing rounds, playing with uncooked eggs, purposefully blinding myself, even taping infant alligators to my nuts during seven consecutive final rounds in major tournaments. But I have to tell you, Bob, nothing worked. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, the guys I was playing against just couldn’t get it done.”
Maybe it was the Gatorade, the inspiration from his supermodel wife, the fact that Tiger actually has more than a shred of athletic ability, but whatever the case, the playing field hasn’t been level for some time, and some fans felt it was time for Tiger to step away.
Larry Hendricks, from Dothan, Alabama, stated, “shoot, golf was gettin too excitin with that Tiger fellow whoopin the besmejus outta every white boy’s anus from Tucson to Boston. I mean, when a slightly inbred high school state champ ain’t good enough to win the US Open, then who you gonna cheer for? Golf ain’t no dang sport, it’s just a bunch of fatties poking around on a well mowed field tryin to put their bird egg in the nearest mole hole quicker’n the next fella? You throw some Herculean, energy drink slurpin’ bio-freak like Tiger out there and course can’t no other fella win!”
Sadly, Larry’s words spark a prophetic chord with sports’ enthusiasts everywhere, yearning for a return to normalcy among the walking egg whack that is the PGA. Many tune in merely to watch men they could beat in almost any other athletic endeavor, compete in a contest of sad sacks and couch potatoes.
So where does Tiger go from here? Still in the prime of his Superhuman career, dare we dream to see Woods donning an NBA jersey, or putting on the pads for a stint in the NFL, or what about a stab at soccer, or baseball, or hockey for that matter. Anything that requires him to compete against men of his own stature, men who would rather run a mile than squat in the grass and analyze how a ball rolls when you tap it.
I for one hope Tiger does come back to sports. I hope he surprises us all and puts his skills to the test in a ring of competition far superior than the sad sack of golf. Because sure, Tiger was great at beating fat guys, lardos, and slugabeds day in day out, but when he breaks away from Brian Urlacher for a 48 yard sprint down the sidelines to propel the Falcons to the NFC championship, then, and only then will I start believing the hype!
1 Comment
July 8, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Tiger Woods and I once had a 3 wood driver contest. Each opponent was to count in seconds the hang time the other accumulated. I got to 17 for the prince of pound. He smiled that large, unusually white Cheshire grin of his. I stepped up, took the same club and swung. He got to “wuh…”
Die El Tigre