It recently dawned on me that the single most important thing in the lives of most people is to look cool. Not simply, hey I bought some name brand clothes and paid $12 bucks at Great Clips for a new doo, type of a cool. But really, truly, cool. Like James Dean mixed with part Sasquatch, part Stalin, cool.
Now after I thought about this for a minute, I realized that most people, in their sadly pathetic, chronologically linear existence, will probably never experience any ample amount of time actually feeling this cool about themselves. Or more importantly, they will never have a large amount of fawning, adoring others believing that they are this cool.
So how could I remedy this?
How could I turn Joe Schmoe into Joe Camel?
How indeed…
Turns out, there is no surefire way. But if you’re itching for cool, try the following, no guarantees come with any of this advice, but if you happen to find yourself being hoisted upon the shoulders of mobs of people who a week ago didn’t know you even existed, then grin, and remember where you got your idea, because I’ll be expecting you to pay with your soul later.
The List:
1.) Go to a packed bar, put a fake roach up your shirt sleeve, after a few drinks, pretend to discover the roach, scream, fight, fall all over the place, then eventually subdue the rubber fiend, carry it to the bar, apologize to the bartender and buy everyone in the place a round, needless to say, you will be a god!
2.) Light a fart in the presence of someone’s grandmother.
3.) Wear a shirt that says – Missing Link
4.) Pretend to commune with squirrels and do their bidding in public places, when apprehended, make continuous chirping and squawk-like noises, then flee.
5.) Fight some guy way bigger than you, and beat him.
6.) Buy shoes that no else has, and tie bees to them.
7.) Walk backwards for an entire week, when asked why, tell people your past haunts you.
8.) Buy a pet seal, then take it around with you and club it publicly.
9.) Scream at babies.
10.) Smoke ten cigarettes simultaneously, while jogging through your office.
Well, that’s it, call me when you’re famous!
1 Comment
July 8, 2008 at 9:07 am
[...] from making you appear cool to the general public that don’t know any better the Hoodlum is also pretty good at [...]