Squirrels + Crack = Transportation

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Centuries ago, two men traipsed through a wood filled with creatures the likes of which their eyes had never seen.  Creatures great and small, winged and fanged, creatures of all shapes and sizes.  But one beast shone above all others, flaunting its prowess as king of the leaf bearing tree.  Their conversation upon gazing at the sheer glory of this snarling hound of the branch must have gone something like this…

Guy to other guy, “Dear God man, what is that foul beast lording over us from the trees?”
Other guy, “What? You mean the bush -tailed rage demon of Gondor ?”
Guy, “Yes, oh help us, Beltshanu, god of the weak and urine filled!”
Other Guy, “We must bow and pray before this, our mammalian tyrant  …”
Guy, “What, what shall we call it?”
Other Guy, “We shall call it, squirrel, and surely even as we live, it brings death!”

If this conversation sounded all too familiar to you it’s because day in day out, 24/7, squirrels make up the very core of our humanistic , bipedal existence. There are squirrels on tv, eating our cereals, stealing our wallets, and countlessly ravaging smaller, less militaristic, nations like Peru and Sweden. Their chatter fills our ears as we cower beneath our beds at night, praying for the dawn that never comes.  For eons squirrels have driven our society forward, they induced the Renaissance, they started the scientific revolution, built Hitler, the Eiffel Tower, the waffle iron and the ipod. Yes friends, squirrels kept us going when there was no one else, and now, in an all too expected turn of events, squirrels have been called upon one more time, to help us get where we’re going.

In a recent news conference in a ramshackle hutong on the outskirts of a crack den in Beijing, Chinese scientist, Le Peu de Fu Man Dong, announced that China will unveil a new mode of transportation in 2010, a way of reaching one’s destination so ridiculous, so dangerous, so humongously ill-conceived and hair brained that it just may work. The Chinese government is prepared to clone squirrels. Giant Squirrels.  Kong sized squirrels.  To make them approximately the size of a 1984 Honda Civic. To mass produce slaughter prone, buck-toothed, crack engulfing fur wolves as the world’s premier mode of transportation. In short, they will unleash hell, giant angry squirrel style.

The world is running out of oil. This is a fact we all know to be true. And if it is not true, and oil companies are just lying to us to make a cheap buck, then so help me God, because the day I purchase my 2010 Squirrel S-3000, I’ll crash it straight through their front gate and barrel roll off of the beast’s limp dying corpse, firing fully automatic bionic weapons even as their robo-mechano goons blast me back to Iowa. But I say so be it, Jedi, because perched atop my giant, steroid pumping squirrel master, fear will be a word I have long since forgotten.

Creating giant squirrels in ungodly numbers may be the worst mistake since the invention of the exploding marmot bomb in ‘71, but maybe, just maybe it’ll work. People say squirrels can’t be trusted, they say they have the attention span of a gnat, or a Bavarian he-dingo, they say they’ll stop at random trees and 7-11’s and crush them looking for their next acorn fix, they’ll nest in houses and apartments, they’ll eat our children and dance on our graves.  They say unleashing a horde of squirrels is like unleashing the plague, and giving it 450 horsepower and an appetite for death.

But I can only hope, I can only think maybe these naysayers are wrong, maybe giant cracked-out mega squirrels are the answer, maybe rodentia the size of a Buick, rodentia we trust with our lives though millions riot each year nearly extinguishing the human race, rodentia that can move at speeds upwards of 600mph and are impervious to cannon and tank fire, maybe these things can save us. Maybe they know, maybe somewhere behind those tire-sized beady black eyes is a brain, and in that brain there’s a cylinder firing somewhere, a cylinder that wants to help people, a cylinder for good. Maybe that Chinese scientist knew this, maybe he knew that in the end, only the squirrels can save us, only the rat monkeys of the trees can free our belaboured man-souls, and he’s only doing what any man would do, trying to save the world, one gaggle of ferocious, cannibalistic mega-squirrels at a time.

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