Yeah, that’s right, I want to fight a slab of beef. I want to poke it in the bun, smack the lettuce off it’s savory fried center, and rip its secret sauce out with my bare hands.
I’ll spell it out for you, I want to fight a hamburger.
And I wanna whup its tail!
To slap box is to stand in normal fighting proximity and proceed to hit another individual with palms open rather than with clenched fists. I have seen many a student slap box another ending in what I can only describe as pansied and hilariously pathetic results. No one respects a person who slap boxes and takes it seriously. No one fears them. But people watch and people laugh, and sometimes, if the fight is good enough, people congregate around the fighters in a circle, chanting and throwing money at the fighters until one ultimately prevails and is hailed lord of the land(ok, I made this last part up, but c’mon, indulge me hear a little.)
McDonalds is a corporation that produces tons of great fighters. Edible heavy hitters whose one two punch of taste and cholesterol is sure to knock many an erstwhile athlete on his a$$. I think of the Arch Deluxe, the double cheeseburger, super sized fries, the McRib. But there is one fighter, one burger so devious and powerful that he is and will always be known as king of the fast food foray, champ of chomping chumps everywhere, and god to grease clogging enterprises worldwide. This burger is known by the simplest of monikers, the Big Mac.
Below is a list of the Big Mac’s strengths vs. my own. Who comes out on top? You be the judge.
The Big Mac
-Its sesame seeds have choked and killed 6.32 million customers since ‘03 alone
-In Hawaii, China, and Beirut, is it hailed as the death burger by all who consume it
-Big Macs won golden gloves in 12 of the last 13 Olympics
-No human has ever fought a Big Mac, hand to bun, and walked away alive
-Big Macs contain more calories than eight elephants, a lemur, and a kit-kat
-Eisenhower considered dropping Big Macs on Tokyo, but knew, knew, it was wrong
-63% of the Marine corps are part man, part killing machine, part Big Mac
My Stats-
-In 4th grade I beat up this kid named Brian who smelled like he had eaten a burger
-I scored 234,700 on Space Invaders twice in 7th grade
-My dad used to play army in the woods with me
-I have killed every character in Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter at least once
-I work out, sometimes
-my grandma says I’m good looking
-I wrestled my sister’s datchsund to the ground last week and made it take a flea pill
-I’ve seen grease before and it doesn’t scare me
I like the Big Mac and deep down I know it deserves its place atop the ecosystem that is the fast food industry, but I for one say it’s time to take it down. Like a sloth eating a shark, or 6 squirrels taking down a grizzly, I know the odds are slim and I’m barely man enough to hold the burger much less attempt a backhanded stab at dethroning it from its lofty perch. But I say let the games begin, and put your buns up you sack of processed cow flesh, because this human’s got a score to settle.
Let’s dance, burger boy!
2 Comments
September 24, 2006 at 11:09 pm
Well actually, I’m a friend of the Big Mac’s trainer, who is also called coughHamburglercough and he tells me that he’s taking these things called “steroids.” Just a hint.
September 27, 2006 at 1:44 am
Last time I wrestled with one of those I wound up with McZuma’s revenge. Watch out, dude…