The Perfect Film – Step Two – Making Things Dumb

Every day I experience something I can only equate as a dumbening.  Today is one of those days.  Making the perfect film, Step 2 , simple = Tell old ideas in a new way.
Example – Dracula – give vampires rubber teeth and humans steel skin
There is an age old adage that every story has already [...]

Chewbacca – Boozehound ’til the Bitter End

Chewbacca died yesterday. He died in a gutter with a Jack and coke in one hand and his trusty blaster crossbow gripped firmly in the other. And as sulphuric gutter sludge singed his already graying hairs, a band of soulless jawas ambled by and robbed him for all he was worth. A sad, yet fitting [...]

The Perfect Film – In Three Easy Steps

The perfect film has never been made. The one film that for all time will stand above every other on a plane so unattainable that critics will be capable only of gawking helplessly at its splendor, pawing like lame dogs for a crumb at the rich man’s table, unable to criticize the very pearl they [...]

Global Warming – The Lie

According to a recent article on the Drudge Report, global warming may in fact not be happening.  What? Not be happening! Not be happening!  You mean the world is not turning into a gradually and gradually hotter orb of death!  We are not headed for a spiral of tidal destruction rivaled only by the great [...]

Osama Been Hidin’

“Oh, where ‘o where has Osama gone…”
Words that truly must be on the tongues of God-fearing citizens of many a decrepit nation as news of Osama Bin Laden’s death spread throughout the world only days ago.  Speculation fueled by French president, Jaques Chirac’s, intelligence agents, that has at this point not been confirmed.
But is Osama [...]

Taking Food to Another Level

I haven’t linked to any other blogs yet, but after reading this guy, I had to.  I’ve only been a waiter once, when I was 18, and I vowed it would never happen again.  Check out, I Serve Idiots, I think I would work with this dude for the laughs alone.

I want to Slap-Box a Big Mac

Yeah, that’s right, I want to fight a slab of beef. I want to poke it in the bun, smack the lettuce off it’s savory fried center, and rip its secret sauce out with my bare hands.
I’ll spell it out for you, I want to fight a hamburger.
And I wanna whup its tail!
To slap box [...]

George Lucas Donation Conjures Past Rant

George Lucas recently donated $175 million dollars to the USC school of film, which will ultimately be used to remake (not really) his sad attempt at a second trilogy.  The article hearkened me back to a simpler time, when I dreamed of Ewoks doing battle with giant ape death beasts, and penned this story.  Click [...]

Spinach Strikes Again, Nation in Peril!

News Flash!!!! 
Two more spinach related, E-coli affiliated, deaths have been reported today (www.drudgereport.com) , and scientists everywhere have begun to ask the question sure to be on everybody’s mind: what is spinach, and why on God’s earth have we blindly trusted it for so long?!!
In short, spinach is a green, leafy plant that millions of Americans [...]

Deportes de Peligroso

Ok, it’s time, let’s finish this thing.
Dodgeball, the sport of danger.  Where rubber balls are flung like knives at so many unsuspecting sideshow freaks.  Crowds shudder, popcorn is sold, nations are eliminated and the vultures of relegation circle overhead.
Where did I leave off?  Oh yeah, restrictions and the selection of teams.  Here goes…All nations would [...]