Nessie – The Aquatic Joke

I have never lived in a lake, nor called the fertile hills of Scotland my home.  I have never raised my slender serpentine neck from amidst the chilled depths of a hundred fathoms only to be gawked at by the random tourists that are my central foes.  And for those reasons, and perhaps those alone, the concept of Nessie will always remain a mystery to me.

I live in the US.  An overdeveloped, overhypyped nation where alligators, crocodiles, and the occasional bloated sea cow, the manatee, are about as close as I’ll ever meander to a water beasts that could even try on the moniker of freshwater folklore.  And sure, gators are big and mean and can crush things in their massive, tooth lined slaughter beaks, but they’re a far cry from a prehistoric pleiosaur perusing the depths of a Scottish loch some odd thousand miles away.

Scotland is home to a gaggle of professional bad#sses, from William Wallace, the blue bodied liberator, to Sean Connery, patron saint of Bond-hood, to the lesser known Warbler Sloth that makes its home in the hollowed out Romanian ruins just south of Edinburgh.  To that note I tip my hat, or lift my kilt if you will, to the sheer bravado that encompasses this highland country.  But famous though it is for its testosterone fueled conquests, there is one slimy beast from the depths that seems to always garner more attention than any famed biped of lore.  And her name is Nessie.

How a giant pre-historic lake leviathan, one who has never actually graced this planet with a palpable shred of evidence suggesting her actual existence, came to be perhaps the most famous monster in all of creation is a mystery to me.  Perhaps it stems from the fact that Scotland in an of itself is cool.  Or that lakes are deep and cold and that sometimes we as humans tend to fabricate stories about things that are big and can swim and tend to frighten us.

Countless sightings of the beast have been documented, from photos snapped by drunken oarsmen, to nearly capsized boats, to devoured poodles with teeth the size of a bowie knife lodged in their still quivering corpses, Nessie, or what we think is Nessie, seems to leave her indelible mark in plain view from time to time.

But allow herself to be truly discovered she will not.  And so, much like the dung tiger, the ring-eared lemur gnat, and the yellow scarf dingo of Malaysia, the actual proof of Nessie’s existence remains as fleeting as the riddle of the Sphinx.  Lost in time.  Embedded in layers of liquids so deep that no amount of sonar will ever detect the truth of her phantasmical whereabouts.

I for one, like most lads standing safely with two feet on dry land, wish there was a Nessie.  A sea serpent so magnificient and ferocious at the same time, that the mere sight of her would send shivers down the spine of the bravest Braveheart from Glasgow to Aberdeen.  But until then I’ll keep Mel Gibson on speed dial, and I’ll make sure Sean Connery doesn’t get too far away; because if I can’t find a giant water whale to whet my appetite, I may need one of them to satisfy my craving for a good dose of Scottish machismo.

Black Friday Ads – FREE PLASMA TV WITH COUPON

That’s right shoppers, Black Friday 2009 is shaping up to be the most amazing sales event in recent memory. Stores such as Wal-Mart, Best Buy and Target have already leaked Black Friday Ads in an attempt to get shoppers as stoked as possible before actual sales are even announced.

Check out some of the AMAZING DEALS below:

WAL-MART
50″ Philips Plasma TV – FREE – With Coupon
SONY PS3 – with 3 Games – $29.99
X-BOX 360 – with MADDEN 2010 – $15.00

OMG, I mean, these sales can’t get any better!!!  But wait, there’s more…

BEST BUY
37″ Hover TV – with Monkey Butler – FREE
Microsoft Mind Control Device – 2009 Upgrade – JUST $59.99
Used Mentos from Bathroom Floor – $6 Billion Dollars

OK, OK, at this point, if you’re still reading, and you still actually believe you can buy any of this stuff, that it even exists, or that I am typing to make your life more enjoyable by allowing you a brief moment of stifled laughter as you sit numbly within your work cubicle, yearning to die.  You are wrong.

Seriously, though, check out the deals at the following websites:

www.nohoneydontspendmoneywedonthave.com

www.pleasedonttrademybabyforaflatscreen.bus

www.holycrapthissiteblows.net

www.wowifIfocusIcanreadthewordstothisfakesite.gov

Until then, happy shopping!!!

The Mothman – One Scary Insect!!!

Sometimes nature makes a mistake.  It doesn’t try. 

If I were to tell you there was a creature whose name was made up of two words, “MOTH” and “MAN”, you would probably laugh at me, and then most likely drag me kicking and screaming into the street and repeatedly stone me until my battered corpse resembled little more than a half-eaten Butterfinger with a sprinkle of shaved cat hair on top.  But a lie this is not; though, if it were, nature’s street cred might be a little higher these days.

FACT:
In 1967, a man-sized flying moth fluttered around people’s houses, cars, and a bridge (the latter of which fell down).

And so dear readers, it is time again to delve into the realm of the slightly possible and tackle yet another of the world’s most feared cryptids.  I give you…. THE MOTHMAN!!!!

Imagine a moth, on crack, huge as a Kenyan yak shark, with death ray eyes , a face like Jimmy Carter’s, and breath so bad it could melt human flesh from 500 yds.  Now imagine the sheer terror that the Mothman would induce should you happen to encounter this soaring sack of peril on the winding backroads of West Virginia somewhere between West Beatnik and East Slackjaw Falls.

The Mothman, or Kenneth, as his parents referred to him.  Was actually raised in a remote village tucked deep within the Ohio woods.  Weaned on a diet of Peanut Butter, squirrel hearts, and human feces, Kenneth was deprived of the nutrients needed to mature as a normal human would.  Thus aging oddly, his body strangly misshapen, he took to taping old aluminum cans to his back, watching reruns of Korean Frogzilla movies, and belching at any animal that walked on four legs.  For years his parents reared him in secrecy, until one fatal day when Kenneth learned that there was more to life than crap, peanuts and feculent rodents.

 He was done in, some say, by a simple McDonald’s ad.  The sight of a full color, all beef patty, three bunned Big Mac, oozing with that patented special sauce was too much for the deformed man boy.  And as he stormed salivating from his mountain shack, so the MOTHMAN, as we know him, was unleashed upon society.

Though sighted in various locations throughout West Virginia, there was truly only one destination in Kenneth’s mind.  McHeaven itself.  Soaring with his crude aluminum wings, powered by an odd mix of cat poo and squirrel testerone, he was able to fly at mind boggling speeds, instilling fear, reverance and the occasional tithe from the countless jokels who first witnessed his release into mainstream society.

Sadly, Kenneth’s reign as deathbeast of the century could not last.  Countless Big Macs, McFlurry’s and Large Fries later, Kenneth’s calorie overloaded body, bloated and misshapen as it was, shed it’s tin frame and he became, in a word, human.  You can find him now in a small roadside store somewhere outside of Decroix, Missouri, peddling MOTHMAN figurines just off of HWY 56 to any child unlucky enough to make his acquaintance.

Chupacabra – Best Monster Ever!!!!!

Somewhere south of the Mexican-American border an evil lurks in the shadows of la noche.  A beast so cunning, so bloodthirsty, so merciless in its total and utter disregard for human life that it was given a name that would always and forever strike fear in the hearts of chicos locos from Chivas to Guadalajara.  It’s name, Chupacabra!!!!!!

I like to write about monsters, to pontificate on the very existence of cryptids, to embellish their abilities, dispel rumors about their powers, question the legality of their citizenship, etc.  But the Chupacabra deserves so much more than a passing afterthought.  He deserves my best.

Chupacabra translates roughly into “goat killer”.  A name so horrific, so gut wrenching that grown men have flung themselves into oncoming traffic at the mere thought of having to break it into syllables and spell it.  Pictures of the beast surface from time to time on the internet.  It is believed to range in size from the equivalent of a small dog to slightly larger than an elephant.  In some reports it can fly, in others it has the ability to disappear, in yet others it sucks the blood of animals and leaves their shriveled corpses to litter the Mexican countryside as a warning.

The Chupacabra has never actually killed, wounded, or even seriously threatened the existence of any human.  But the reason for this lies in the fact that it resides in the most dangerous country in the world.  No cryptid in its right mind would step into the ring and tango with Mexican gangs, Central American druglords, cerveza swilling aburritos antipaticos, chihuahuas, or the deadly smog beast “Cloud0-A-Uno” that hovers over Mexico City for much of the year.

Regardless of it posing a completely non-existent threat to mankind, El Chupo still reigns supreme with its ability to shape shift, change forms, appear out of thin air, be mistaken for a hairless, mange infected coyote, cheat on its taxes, cross the border illegally at any time, and drink fifteen Dos Equis in under thirty minutes.

Perhaps it is for these very abilities, this melange of multi-tasking, that the Chupacabra lords over all challengers in the ever changing world of death beasts, the likes of which include Swamp Terrors, Mountain Men, Dumpster Raiding Skunk Apes, and Leviathans of Lake Lore.  It is many things and one thing. It is everything and nothing.  It is the fleeting shadow of fear, creeping across an unlit desert landscape, always tangible and intangible together.  A ghostly howl that cannot be accounted for, with a taste for blood and a resume to die for.

So slink away my four footed Mexican monster.  May the night that is your stage provide shelter.   And if we happen to cross paths some enchanted evening years from now, remember, all I ask is an autograph for my kids.  Of course, if you’re rushed, a slaughtered chicken or two will do just fine…

www.google.com – A Memoir

Why write about the world’s most prolific search engine?  Why write about the multi-billion dollar nano-techno industry leading website in the known universe?  Why?!?  Why you ask??? Because I can.

I use www.google.com a lot.  I use it often.  I use it on a daily basis.  I use it more than my toothbrush, or soap, or the half-empty can of Rogain sitting forlornly in my bathroom cabinet wishing it could save me from middle-aged baldness.

Google has become as much a part of my life as about every other necessity in society, and I have deemed this fact neither a good nor bad thing.  Rather it is a shift in the existence of man.

As cultures advance, new inventions will always be created upon which man will become dependant.  Take the following for example:

Man invents spear = needs defense = shield follows.

Man invents gun = needs defense = bullet proof vest follows.

Man invents All-You-Can-Eat Buffet = needs defense = indoor plumbing follows.

Man invents Taco Bell = needs defense = air freshener follows.

Man invents Television = needs defense = finds none, society crumbles slowly as sitcoms take over.

I could go on, but the list explains itself.  We invent things we don’t need, become accustomed to them, and in the end must find a means to pry ourselves away from their slimy death grip lest we realize too late we have become slaves to our own invention.

So how can one separate themselves from the “world-at-your-fingertips” euphoria that comes with a “hit” of Google?  How can we procure an anti-venom to the high that comes from searching for any and every existing thing whenever we deem it necessary?

It is simple I think.

Man invents google = needs defense = finds field to play in or book to read.  Problem solved.

Google is useful, erego I cannot slam it.  How else would I find out how many games the Binghamton University co-ed Ping Pong team won in 1987?  How else indeed!

Furless Bears Attack!!!

As if being attacked by a bear, nature’s overweight, sharp-clawed death beast of the forest, wasn’t bad enough.  Imagine being attacked by one with no fur.

That’s right!  Bears, long thought to follow a strict moral code that consisted of eating lean meats, resting for months at a time, never traveling to Vegas without loved ones in tow, and actually having fur on their bodies at all times, seem to have stooped to a new low.

“I mean what’s next?” Boonesboro, Wisconsin native Alan Hermunk was quoted as saying.  “Them bears do enough what with them roaring and stealing picnic baskets and just plain trying to take a swipe at everything that even smells like honey.  I don’t know what to expect no more.  If you’d a told me ten years ago we’d be seeing bears with no fur, I woulda said, no sirree, ain’t a cat with no mittens chance that’ll happen.  But after today, looks like nature just kinda gave up on them big, fat, man eatin’ creatures, and said to h#ll with it, let’s see what they kin do without no hair on ‘em!”

To make matters worse, it appears the bears have now begun to partake in secular, humanized activities like getting tattoos, wigs, and piercings.  One male, usually noted for his calm demeanor and affection for trout, was spotted with a “Feed bears, not humans” tattoo inked across his back, another, more volatile male, had the words “National Parks Suck” emblazoned across his buttocks, and was wearing what appeared to be a million dollar diamond grill and a green mohawk.

For years many top zoologists have noted an alarming shift in the North American bear populace away from their general conservative views, but nudity, inflammatory political messages, and crazy hairdos have gotten many top level experts worried about what may be just around the corner.

“At this point, I think we still have things relatively in control,” Dr. Russ Coghan, San Diego Zoo, said, “but the day some one ton grizzly shows up at a 7-11 all coked up and wielding a fully loaded Ak-47, well, then we’ll be looking at a serious, serious problem.”

I don’t know about you, but bears, in and of themselves, already scare the living Cheez-its out of me.  Combine that fear with automatic weapons, drug overdoses and a rise in violent gang-bear related crimes, and you just may see this citizen fleeing South to the cozy confines of Mexico quicker than you think.  At least all they have is the Chupacabra.

2012 – The End of the Calendar!!!!

The world is always supposed to end.  Mankind writes stories, stories have endings.  Thus the story of mankind must have an end, right?

And so the newest disaster simply foaming at the mouth to show up on the scene and kick the crap out of humanity is none other than a year, 2012.

That’s right friends, no aliens (or maybe no aliens), no Godzilla, no fount of molten lava slushing through the streets.  But rather a numerical anomaly posited some thousands of years ago by a culture that didn’t even have the decency to exist long enough to explain itself.

According to the Mayan calendar, there is no 2013.  And since they were inable to conceive of the years racking up to such a monstrous number, they just kind of quit.  Does this strange occurence by the ancient stargazing peoples of Central America spell doom for us all, or is it merely the shortcomings of an imperfect people when anticipating how long existence would really carry on?

I mean imagine some thong clad, blood drinking, monkey/pheasant/snake worshipping, monotheistic Mayan preist, adorned with gaudy, slaughtered animal headress, sitting down to plot out of the path of the world.  Dude plans for a few millenia, gets tired of not killing or pointing out spirit demons in the scared sh#tless populace that he tyranically rules over, and decides to call it a night with the whole future prognosticating mumbo jumbo.  2012 seems as good a place to stop as any, seeing as how there is no way in a million siestas he’s gonna live that long!

Now, a good thousand or so years later, civilized man crouches in corners, and waits like so many Chicken Little’s before him for the sky to come crashing in!

Likelihood of happening, who knows, but I wouldn’t bet the ranch on it.  The worst thing about civilizations or people who we analyze in retrospect and then determine to be prophets, is that most don’t stand the test of time.  Remember Y2k, or Nostradomus and how everyone misquoted him about a zillion times right after 9/11.  We aren’t even meant to comprehend the Bible word for word, and it’s written by a dude who’s all-knowing.

The bottom line is, mankind misinterprets things.  We always have and we always will.  It’s kind of ironic then, because our fatal flaw seems to be that we can’t predict when the end will come namely because it’s not in our nature to know.  Crashed computers, crashed planes, desert wars, and derelict calendars all point their fingers at the end of all things.  And it’s nice in a way, to be human and think that you have some insight into omniscience, some insider info. that makes you a little less fallible.  But I don’t think we do, and I don’t think that thong clad, toad worshipping, stargazing Mayan priest did either.  He too, was just another dude trying to make a claim to supreme knowledge, because somewhere deep down he wished he knew things about the world that he never would.

Obama School Speech

President Barack Obama is planning to give a motivational speech to students across the nation next week.  His speech is aimed at encouraging students to set goals for themselves, to take their education seriously, to aim high and strive to achieve great things.

But many students will never hear his words.
Many schools will never air his speech.
Many eyes will never see his message.

Based partly on a  strong Republican backlash, and partly on parents who realize that pumping political messages into their children’s schools may be stepping just a mile or two over the line, many schools have pulled the plug.

Obama, once America’s rhetorical golden boy, seems to have lost his loquacious touch of late, and deaf ears are all too often greeting his teleprompted teachings.

To say Obama is no longer the media darling he was a mere 6 months ago is harsh, but in the life of a president, it is also all too true.  Hailed as a savior upon his election, Obama is now wallowing through the scrutiny and ravages of constant coverage much like every president before him. 

Navigating a financially fueled, bi-partisan congress is akin to wrestling yaks blindfolded and fighting giant mutated tiger monkeys with naught but a shrimp net and some catnip.  And Obama is finding himself more crusader for his own cause rather than champion of a nation’s far too often these days.

Quixotic he is not, but the message America seems to be sending is one of apathy rather than adoration.  If the economy continues to stagnate, the deficit climbs, and health care teeters on the brink, no amount of finely crafted words will be able to endear the commander in chief to his citizens much longer. 

Only action can achieve that aim.

Best Jobs in the US

Many people work.  Many of those people hate their jobs.

Many humans dread the soul-sucking drudgery that is the very means to their existence.  The lifeblood to their addiction to hooch, snuff, twinkies, diet Coke, and all the rest.

Man was not born to work.  He was born to rule, or at least to believe that the work he was forced partake in ruled.  And so a panel of millions and millions of voters (or one) have nominated the following jobs as the all time greatest jobs in the history of the United States.

BEST JOBS IN THE US

10.) Krispy Kreme Delivery Guy – come on, think about it, how many doughnuts does this guy get for free each year?
        It’s like winning the lard lottery every day.

9.) Stunt Double for Jack Nicholson – Wait a minute, what action films does Nicholson make?  Oh yeah, none.

8.) Counter Midget for Burger King – Come one, admit it, when you read the word midget you started laughing!

7.) Ninja Assassin – Sure, the pay sucks and your life is constantly hanging by a thread, but where else can you carry a Samurai sword and lop heads off for fun?

6.) Chris Farley Impersonator – I know, I know, he’s dead.  Isn’t he?

5.) Dog catcher in San Fran’s Chinatown – Oh yeah, there’s money to be made in this one!

4.) Wall Street Broker – Sure, there’s no money in it anymore, but still, don’t the words Wall Street sound cool?

3.) President – Obama’s doing the job now, and Bush was before him, but really, anybody who runs can do it.

2.) Cat Urine Scent Detector – As if cats weren’t evil enough, imagine rubbing their faces in their own urine and living to tell about it.

1.) Slaughterhouse Floor Scrubber – You’ve always dreamed of being smattered in bloody bovine bile as your ears are deafened by the slurp of your motorized vaccuum, praying that your boss doesn’t traipse into the room and demand you to scrub it down again!

The Jersey Devil – World’s Worst Monster

History, or perhaps man, has produced monsters since the dawn of time.

The Hydra
The Werewolf
Dracula
The Loch Ness Monster
Bigfoot

Creatures of such mythic lore, that to actually debate their  existence is as trivial as questioning the rights of Southern Malaysian pygmies to eat the magic eggs of the largest meerkat in the village.

These creatures exist.  And they rock.  And if we never find them, in the end who gives a rat’s #ss, because we created them didn’t we, and isn’t that good enough.

But somewhere along the way a mistake was made.  Somehow the state of New Jersey felt shafted, felt left out of the inside joke that is the mythical beast, so they went and created perhaps the worst monster of all time, the Jersey Devil.

In fairness, this is New Jersey we speak of, and to truly expect an ounce of greatness from a state made famous mainly because it flanks the metropolis of Manhattan to the south would be ridiculous.

But nonetheless they created the devil, a strange, winged goat beast that resides in the trees.

I mean come on! A goat with wings? Why not Googonkula, oddly misshapen ooze beast hatched from the sewers of New York.  Or Rodney, yankified jokel of the north that prides himself in his ability to live above the Mason-Dixon line.

In a recent worldwide poll, citizens from China to Canada were asked to rank the 5 worst monsters in the history of the world.  The results were as follows:

5.) Ching-Chat-Chu – Ancient Chia-Pet Demon of the Pacific Realm
4.) Promthompsuous – Dance Afflicted Spanish spectre of Teguicalpa
3.) Lu Bing – Korean Wharf Rat rumored to be the size of an F-16
2.) Borushkanuma – Lithuanian she-yak of the hills
1.) The Jersey Devil - Demonical Flying goat of the Northeastern US

Voters don’t lie, and polls exist to expose frauds.  The Jersey Devil is a has been, a washed up fear monger in a world that passed him by.  For shame to whatever misgiven lad traipsed a wood late one night some two and half centuries ago, and upon startling some hapless wild animal just so happened to be frightened into rushing home, crying wolf, and thus creating the lamest monster ever!